John Cleese: Alerts to threats in 2012 Europe

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have b…een re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

— John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person A final thought -“ Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.”

Ranslirpa 2010

Endnu engang forsøger medierne at snyde danskerne med årets sjove historie den 1. april, dog ser det ud til at sammenfaldet med en helligdag dag har forsinket udgivelsen af dem op nettet. Her er de jeg har set indtil videre: (Vil blive opdateret i løbet af dagen).

Ekstrabladet har historien “Falbert ny spindoktor for Løkke”

Computerworld kan afsløre at “Hjem-Is-biler skal levere internet til din hoveddør”

MetroXpress bringer historien “Storebæltsbroen skal graves ned”

Feltet.dk er først i verden med historien “Legenderne kører igen”

Ugeavisen Esbjerg har politikeren der trækker sig “Søtrup trækker sig efter vindmølleskuffelse”

Politiken afliver det stumme H “Sprognævn: Vil i fred, stumme h”

Ingeniøren skrotter rumskrottet “Solsejl skal rydde op efter fremtidens rumskrot”

Fyens.dk springer ud med den nyeste teknologi “Nu kommer Fyens.dk i 3D”

Androiden.dk afslører at “HTC opkøbt af Apple”

SEnyt.dk ser dyster fremtid for pendlere “Aftale:Kystbanen stopper kun, når tiden tillader”

Lokalavisen Fredensborg fortæller at “Køge Byråd vil have trafikfrie søndage i kommunen”

Jobindex søger statister “Vestre Gasværk søger statister, sangere og dansere til den musikalske forestilling ”Erik & Annie – the Musical”

Mobilsiden.dk får gang i det mobile netværk “Sådan fordobler du hastigheden på mobilt bredbånd”

Jobsafari.se viser at svenskerne har kig på vores kultur “Köpenhamns Turistråd söker oblyg Sjöjungfru (m/k)!”

DR.dk har nyt om Kattegat “Kattegatforbindelsen bliver en kombiløsning”

DMI.dk jagter doping syndere “Pendlerdoping kommer til Danmark”

The Independent vil bruge The Tube til forsøg “Hadron Collider II planned for Circle Line”

The Sun bringer Segway ind i fodbolden “Ref revolution is wheely great”

JydskeVestkysten ruller i flere retninger “Byrådet: Nyløkkegrundens fremtid nu fastlagt!”

Bolius fortæller om den skræmmende “Murstenspest i Danmark”

Lystfisker forum fortæller om de “nye højmolekylære bindematerialer”

“Daily Rush vil nu satse mere på de kvindlige gamere” (se nede på siden)

Google med stolthed berette at byen Topeka i Kansas skifter navn “A different kind of company name”

Google Translate – nu også for dyr “Grunt, Woof and Moo to you too”

Google introducerer en ny service Google April fools search

Et besøg i Camp David? “Spend a weekend at Camp David

Berlingske har eneret på historien “Dronningen udsat for kunsttyveri”

Dette og Hint beretter at “Jesper Langballe konverterer til Asetroen”

Foodies.dk leger med nye opskrifter “Stegt ørkenrotte”

Midtjyllands avis beretter om nye broer i Viborg “Vejbump bliver til bro over Langsøen”

DFDS giver dig chancen for en enestående rejse “Følg Rundetårn til Oslo – MiniCruise til Oslo”

Altinget.dk finder fugle på borgen “Folketinget hjem for sjælden fugl”

CRN afslører EUs pant planer “EU indfører pc-pant”

P4 København advarer mod farlige fisk i Øresund “Akvarium pumpede piratfisk i Øresund”

P4 Sjælland flytter rundt på Påsken “Påsken rykkes måske et par uger frem”

iForm afslører at jordskælvet i Chile har uforudsete konskvenser “Maraton-distance bliver forlænget”

Ungnyt kan afsløre at “Sidney Lee bliver X Factor-dommer”

De Radikale kan fortælle at “Statsministeren træder tilbage”

Dansk Folkeparti er stolte over at “Barak Obama inviterer Kristian Thulesen Dahl til Washington”

Recordere.dk kan afsløre dagens tilbud på “Mobile Blu-ray klar til salg”

Thinkgeek præsenterer bedste bud på hvorfor man skal eje en iPad “iCade – iPad Arcade Cabinet”

Nordvestnyt bygger også broer “Sidesporet bygger bro til Tuse Næs”

Fuerte.dk har dagens enestående lejetilbud “Lej huset ganske gratis”

Kan det passe? bringer den glædelige nyhed “ALLER lukker Se&Hør”

Borgerligt Centrum tager et utraditionelt politisk skridt “Borgerligt Centrum fusionerer med Danish Crown”

News.dk fortæller at “Nu skal det koste at sende e-mails”

TV Guide bringer nyheden “Sidney Lee: Jeg er far til Anni Fønsbys barn !!”

YouTube sparer båndbredde “TEXTp saves YouTube bandwidth, money”

DN.no gør grin med finnerne “Finnairs business-reisende kan kaste klærne”

The Telegraph afslører hemligheden bag kabellægning i England “Ferrets key to bridging the digital divide between cities and rural areas”

BMW i England blander sig i politik “The BMW Political Roundel Attachment Tag”

TV2sport forklarer at “Vand i dækket skal give Saxo Bank-sejr”

GAFFA afslører plagiat “Endnu en Kim Larsen plagiat-sag ser dagens lys”

Finnish weather explained

+15°C / 59°F This is as warm as it gets in Finland, so we’ll start here. People in Spain wears winter-coats and gloves

The Finns are out in the sun, getting a tan.

+10°C / 50°F The French are trying in vain to start their central heating.

The Finns plant flowers in their gardens.

+5°C / 41°F Italian cars won’t start.

The Finns are cruising in cabriolets.

0°C / 32°F Distilled water freezes.

The water in the Vanda river (in Finland) gets a little thicker.

-5°C / 23°F People in California almost freeze to death.

The Finns have their final barbecue before winter.

-10°C / 14°F The Brits start the heat in their houses.

The Finns start using long sleeves.

-20°C / -4°F The Aussies flee from Mallorca.

The Finns end their Midsummer celebrations. Autumn is here.

-30°C / -22°F People in Greece die from the cold and disappear from the face of the earth.

The Finns start drying their laundry indoors.

-40°C / -40°F Paris start cracking in the cold.

The Finns stand in line at the “grilli-kioski”.

-50°C / -58°F Polar bears start evacuating the North Pole.

The Finnish army postpones their winter survival training awaiting real winter weather.

-60°C / -76°F Korvatunturi (the home for Santa Claus) freezes.

The Finns rent a movie and stay indoors.

-70°C / -94°F The false Santa moves south. The Finns get frustrated since they can’t store their Kossu (Koskenkorva vodka) outdoors. The Finnish army goes out on winter survival training.

-183°C / -297.4°F Microbes in food don’t survive.

The Finnish cows complain that the farmers’ hands are cold.

-273°C / -459.4°F All atom-based movent halts.

The Finns start saying “Perkele, it’s cold outside today.”

-300°C / -508°F Hell freezes over.

Finland wins the Eurovision Song Contest.

CDC Medical Alert

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.  This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).  If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT!!!   This virus will wipe out your private life entirely.  If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).  Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Ranslirpa 2009

Man skal ikke tro på alt man læser i dag 😉 – En ufuldstændig liste af mediernes aprilsnar historier:

Naser Khader som overborgmester skriver EB.dk

Biskopper forgylder sig selv skriver Kristelig Dagblad

Storebæltsbroen skal graves ned i følge Metroxpress

Din Windows XP virker ikke om en måned ifølge PCworld

Kronborg er sat til salg hos Boliga.dk

Bjarne Riis udgiver digtsamling kan Feltet.dk informere om.

Rundetaarn er begyndt at hælde så København nu får sit eget skæve tårn fortæller Urban.dk

Bliv gift på Facebook skriver Berlingske.dk